No extras!. Me and my best friend, whose kids are really close with my kids, have our kids on opposite weekends Theres often the necessity of figuring out Okay is {kid} at her moms this weekend or her dads? You could then and could now. A poignant reminder of how people often desperately cling to the shreds of a relationship, even though they probably already know in their heart that it has already slipped away. Regardless your friend is letting you know shes not cool with it, which means you need to stop doing it to her specifically. I dont think I know anyone without a cell phone, so let me pick up the random stuff that wanders out into the family room and put it back where it climbed out of. Makes me pretty anxious about having ANY visitors. How Should I Handle My Man Forgetting My Best Man Poem Ideas for a Brother's Wedding. Oh I agree that asking directly may not yield usable information. But Im happy about seeing someone I havent seen in a while. If someone asks what I am doing or was doing [at such and such a time] and the detailed answer is something fun without you. If I answer at all I say I had dinner plans with a friend how was your weekend? or I had a bunch of stuff going on- I am actually kind of glad to be back to work. But thats really about it. I suppose it amounts to the same thingI didnt get to do the prep I would have preferred tobut since the LW is worried about missing nuances, I thought it would be good to offer another POV/reason for not wanting a drop in, lest LW have a friend who keeps a spic-and-span house all the time and LW assume that means drop-ins for that person are okay. Guy: Good! I really really hate it when people use cultural differences as a convenient excuse to behave badly.It makes me feel like it's my fault for not knowing how things are supposedly done in this country. You could just speak to your friends and tell them what you want. Oh I love nude dancing! In another occasion, K told me we should hang out at my other friend, N's, house, without even asking N permission to be there. Im getting married in a little over 4 weeks (OMG OMG 4 WEEKS PANIC!!!) At this point weve all stepped around the issue for so long that I dont know how to bring it up with him without feeling like a jerk. I'll go into more detail below, but this is really one of those areas where you have to use your own judgment. If I were to guess when its my time to leave Id spend all my spoons for the week and waste the whole visit guessing, and still get it wrong. Distance communication makes explaining that Im doing something non-interruptible seem more polite and gives more hypothetical space for you to pretend I was actually doing something specific or about to run to an appointment rather than just not feeling sociable. If youre running late, it should be up to you to text them. At work. One of our more memorable conversations was when she was really annoyed with where I was parking my bike; most of the issue was that she felt like I was in the guest-space where she couldnt just say, Hey, move your bike. And I was parking my bike in the obvious spot and assuming if it was an issue theyd say something. Oops, LW I just realised I misread that, and you are friends rather than workmates. Just ask them what they are doing the night of the event then say "oh cool" or something like that then keep talking about it until they invite you. Also for saying goodbye to the people you just visited. If you try TWICE to schedule something with someone you dont know very well. Thats great if you have the time and the energy to do that. Are you going to start showing up at my home when I was counting on alone time and I look like a raggedy doofus because Im wearing an old tank top and a sports bra?. At this point I just put all the blame on my ridiculously small washing machine, and any time I dont want company I claim Im stuck doing laundry allll day so I simply couldnt possibly or no one will have clean pants. This. More answers below Cheryl Robinson-Atwood Former RN (1996-2009) Author has 2.4K answers and 1.9M answer views Dec 13 Sponsored by Forbes Advisor Best pet insurance of 2023. Youre going to show our friend the bike and then ride away on your bike. I would say that if a guy invites you over, just say "how about we meet at x" and change the plans before you label him as a creep. Maybe if you were really good friends with someone and didn't do it too much it would be fine, but otherwise try to avoid it. Hoshit, I missed the cleaning remark the first time. The easiest way to get a guy to invite you over is to suggest the idea to him in a way that will make it nearly impossible for him to say no. Ive dropped in on people, but I make it a point to A) ask if this is an okay time/are they busy/etc and B) not be more than 10 minutes unless I am absolutely sure its okay to hang out for a bit (ie. That was the only time they did a drop-in. one of the best things about the living room couch in my current house is that I can skulk in the corner and pretend I am not at home if I dont feel like answering the door, and I am literally impossible to see from outside the house. I MIND! Someone makes a small mistake, the other lets her know about her displeasure, and you go back to being best buddies. Its also one of the many reasons she doesnt spend much time around her grandparents. Its like, oh for gods sake, just knock on the fucking door at this point, its not like I can text you go away when youre standing AT MY DOOR. Without any advance notice to me, he would often invite along one or two other friends (of his, not mine). Without telling us?). Usually one would suggest meeting at their own place or wait until the other person is doing so, I guess.|To a friend? Also don't give a room a complete makeover without gaining permission to do so first. This sort of thing reminds me that the only era for which I know there were clear and universally followed rules about this sort of thing, it was Regency era England, when people* would drop by during a clearly defined period of the day for a morning call, for about 20 minutes, and your butler could declare that you were not at home if you didnt want to see them. You may also want to give her advance warning before dropping by the office; it sounds like shes more receptive to surprise visits there*, but since you say youve felt her pulling away lately, its probably a good idea to double-check with her before popping in unannounced. I like to be alone. they just didnt want me there. You might continue by offering to make him one of your favorite meals for supper that you know he would enjoy or a dessert that will blow his mind. I'm not sure about your apartment or home, or whether you and the guy are both single, but when a guy invites you over to his place, the most obvious explanation is that he's planned sex for the evening. I mean its not only that they arent invited, but theyre excluded from the conversation almost by default. Show up with boyfriend to events that no other SO was invited to I wasnt invited (I know I wasnt, because I helped housemate put together the cute gingham ribboned cards while watching dancing with the stars). You know, I was- Its all about the relationship you have with the person and where you are in your life. But Im not ok w/ other people seeing that (especially when its messy instead of just cluttered). On your FAMILY vacations?? Though, this also means they have to be willing to take sorry, I feel lame, could you come back another time as an answer, or be willing to futz around on their computer for a while if Im in the middle of a nap. But why do people think the fun event that X wasnt invited to attend is fun for them to hear about in any way at all? I put out little soaps shaped like sea shells and sometimes buy flowers or light a scented candle. Its shame cleaning for me, because although I have battled my way out of squalor, my day-to-day living situation is still a good few degrees below what most people consider lived-in levels of clutter. Ragey is about right! They may have to entertain an unwanted guest when they'd rather be doing something else. That could take 15 min, and it doesnt save me any time! I am one of those people who might indeed be home when a friend calls, but that doesnt mean Im not working on something/enjoying my precious downtime/up for entertaining a guest at any given moment. So a man who came by during those hours would be required to stand on the porch or at most in the foyer and state his business. But at this point (now that Im more confident with myself, which was the hardest thing) I dont feel obligated to invite All Members Of The Group but I also dont feel like I have to shepherd anyones feelings. But its also a huge life event (or can be, anyway) so expecting you to never mention it to non-invitees is kind of ridiculous. if i dont get invited to something, i for one will find a reason why. Either way, the fact is that they arent making you a priority, so stop scanning no for signs and traces of a yes. I dont like surprises so thats the bad part. 3. Lets do this afternoon thing I want to do. But I also grew up with the unstated understanding that if you bump into your neighbors mowing the lawn or want to drop off a book and chat, you didnt hang around forever and expect them to re-schedule the afternoon. I had a best friend from grade school straight through college. We dont have enough information to know whether this was appropriate in the context of the relationship. Home Security / By loviehomes. Then again, those were people who didnt expect you to drop every little thing to amuse them, and before living in a way that wouldnt allow for friends to stop by without cleaning for hours werent a thing, either. It also varies depending on how close my relationship is with someone. Give him ample notice before the proposed hangout time. So I guess the implications will just have to come along too. (When I am up for visitors) the people welcome in my home fall into two categories: Family, and Company. You have probably found yourself in this situation a couple of times. Its very common for people to recall the past in a way that reflects an idealized world, or at least one that mirrors a happy period in their young life. I mind people seeing things that I put away when I know people are coming. (Mine: Id rather you called first, but if you dont, be willing to accept that I might tell you that its not a convenient time and ask you to leave.) Im pretty social in that Im at clubs almost every day of the week and so when Im not I have to cram in stuff I actually WANT or NEED to do. There are exceptions, lots of them. . (Very few Family have any known genetic relationship to me.). Clean the dishes in the sink? It would be different if I was hanging out with two people and then only plotted with one of them. Ha, I grew up in a similar neighborhood culture- but in kind of a hippie community where there were few fences and a lot of windows. I already add a fair number of caveats to my speech, my precise meaning often misunderstood. So no. Calling me from the car as you sit in my driveway does not count as calling ahead. You must carefully gauge this and time the request with deft diplomacy. FWIW I think your manners were fine, and your reading on the situation of friend vs SO is pretty socially ept. She didnt get one, but it felt very uncomfortable. Keep it to ones self, I say. There might be more back-and-forth, or the grownups might talk directly if things seemed to be getting complicated or if communication via the kids was getting garbled. Im in the I love random visitors camp, but Ive also got a very strong case of friends accept me as I am fallacy when it comes to those unexpected visitors intersecting with chores. I asked her something along the lines of oh gods, what have you been thinking of me these last months, with all the details and no invite? Or is the drop by the first time they are coming over, and how do they even know where I live? I dont see whats wrong with this type of text (or phone call) in general, though if a person has anxiety about getting texts / phone calls, I wouldnt do it so as to respect their feelings. Its not that hard not to bring occasions to which another person wasnt invited in front of them. You feel ratty, harassed, and youre frantically trying to make it look as if you do pay more than rudimentary attention to the housework if only to stave of questions about whether youre coping. AUGH the theres always a but makes me so RAGEY. Like alarmingly angry as if I have broken a major social rule or something. Inviting yourself over to people's places is frowned upon, at least in many Western cultures. Inviting a girl to your place is no other than getting her on a date, but because the date will be at your place it has more implications to her than going for a coffee. I know that probably seems like a small/petty distinction, but in terms of the LWs question I just want to emphasize how much more fun ALL aspects of hosting are for me when I know about them in advance. Something like hey! As a general rule, though, calling ahead is never *wrong* and can save you a lot of Oh, I didnt expect visitors, lets talk out here on the porch for a few minutes awkwardness. In the LWs case, I agree that your friend is giving very clear please dont drop by unannounced signals. Is something the matter? response from me, so. If you can improve the overall social impression you make you'll give yourself more leeway to invite yourself to things. You must not mind being told not a good time, please leave. ), and enthusiastically said shes be there. Theres a difference between mentioning and discussing, though, eh? I used to do that because Ive had several friends (or friends) who had a tendency to cancel at the last minute. Doesn't matter what "vibe" you get off him, this is a man you barely know. Its like I had been taking math tests all my life under the impression that being good at math meant that I was supposed to just intuit the answer, and that doing anything to figure it out was cheating and then finding out that Im allowed to actually use math! I wrote letters. But NONE of my other friends do this, at least not after the first time. If you are super-handy and you want to help, you could throw that out there, I love an allen wrench. Like, most of Mr Birds family lives in Nearish Smaller Town, and often have to come to Big Town where we live for shopping, doctors, etc. It was a lose-lose situation. Or if I say, to, in a completely made-up situation, to my dads sweet elderly Midwestern cousin, Oh sure come over for lunch the next time you have to be in town to go to the VA. Oh. Bye have fun! In my family growing up, having company over meant at least two hours of scrubbing the entire house, and our mother berating us all for how filthy and embarrassing we were. Back in my pre-cell phone phone college days in liberal central Texas, folks who popped by because they passed near my house generally stayed on the porch, got a hug, and went on their merry way. I dont have kids, and every once in a while I experience culture shock when other people talk about kid things. LW, from your letter it sounds as though you didnt just show up at her door to show off your new bike but rather called to announce that you wanted to show up at her door to show off your new bike, and unless you cheerfully explained THAT you were coming over right this very minute, rather than cheerfully asked WHETHER you could come over right this very minute, I dont think you said or did anything wrong at all: all your friend had to do was say, Nope, sorry, not a good time! if she werent up for a visit from you (and your awesome bike). Just as with the break-up of a romantic/sexual relationship, theres something horrible about the person who doesnt come out and say its over Im breaking up with you but instead keeps leading the soon-to-be ex on with apologies, affection and promises interspersed with harshness, temper, and neglect in the hopes that the rejectee will get the hint. Possibly its an age thing or a location thing. His dads Belgian and his mums Irish and he grew up in Ireland but went to university in Belgium and hes been working in Austria for the last five years but he spends a lot of time in Ireland and I have NO IDEA which version he was using and I dont have his phone number!. Im just better at saying No, this isnt a good time, Ill catch you online later, bye now! Its so dependent on individuals. We had keys, together a year. Here are some additional thoughts: Dont worry why things seem different stopping by work and home. As people get to know me, they learn that its usually best not to give me advice unless I directly ask for it (because if I want it, I will). But I also know which of my friends are ok with it and which arent. Certain people, certain times in my life, I have been 100% okay with showing up unannounced at their place and vice versa. LW: I feel as though I initiate contact with you most of the time, and as if you dont have as much fun with me as you used to. Did you want some company / help? I dont live my life in such a way that Im always prepared for unexpected visitors. But it is very difficult to answer my son who keeps asking if he can have a playdate with T. Telling him that we have asked him twice, and now we have to wait for him to say something before we can ask again, just results in but I really, really want to play with T. Offers of inviting someone else over get, Can we ask T instead? I can keep redirecting that question, and even give a really specific no, because, but I really would like to invite T over, either to our house or to a neutral area like a local park. Are usually dealing with various mental issues that prevent them from taking care of household necessities, and they dont deserve to be shamed for that just because you happen to like drop-ins. Its funny, because my boyfriend is the opposite. It was obvious she was expecting an invite, but shes not a friend an acquaintance at best. You get your period " Honestly why the f*ck doesn't he have tampons?" "Oh my god, my. That goes for online engagements too. Yep. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. Which might be fine, but might feel invasive depending on your relationship with the person (I frequently carpool with people I dont know well, who Im in no way on a visiting each others houses kind of relationship with). What are we? If he accepts, but suggests hanging out at your place, have an excuse in mind for why you have to hang out at his place. Weekend, so chance to sleep in and do chores. I am actually super social but also have anxiety, so you know..conflicts! If she cries at you? Has their baby barfed on me/Do we spend a lot of time in each others houses? I had a friend who used to drop by or be in the neighborhood pretty frequently, and the process of setting boundaries after the pattern developed nearly destroyed the relationship. I was raised that its unforgivably rude to show up to any gathering, no matter how casual, without an explicit Would you like to go to X event? But then as I grew up and encountered casual, after-work, anyone-who-wants-to-come-can-come events, I was finally told that I was isolating myself by expecting an explicit invitation because thats not how it works.. Anything that takes preparation on the part of the host or organizer, or even costs them money, is iffy. In general, if a group seems genuinely cliquey, then think twice about inviting yourself along to something they're doing. Thats almost chilling. You can find other people who mesh with how you like to do things by being that person and modeling the behavior. Best house guests EVER. 26) My car is broken. Its run the gamut from casual weekend brunches out (okay, fine, I wanted to catch up with you specifically but I guess its cool that you brought three other friends I dont know, fine, whatever, as long as they pay their share of the bill [hint: they never do]) to actual trips across state lines where someone we know is generously hosting and has to suddenly find room for an extra person. Those seem to be reserved for romantic relationships only (some scripts being more constructive than others). Number 1: All of this. 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